Last night I went to bed feeling slightly woeful, and suffering from an intense headache that I’d had since mid-afternoon. I attributed my misery to the fact that I’d been letting some things annoy me, when, really, under the heading of “New year, new start”, I should have been letting these annoyances pass me by. Don’t pay any attention to them, don’t dwell on them, just do the water/rolling/duck’s back thing.
I came to this profound realisation at 2.45am, when I had spent around 2 hours having an imaginary conversation with an offending party in my head.
So, I made my decision, decided that today I would continue with my new laid-back, easy-going attitude to life and people, and got up feeling determined. Still had the headache (owing to the fact that I lay awake half the night having said imaginary conversations), but that was alright. That would go. Do not focus on the problem, I told myself, that just makes it bigger. I am so wise, I really am.
Hence, when I caught my nose stud on the towel after my shower, my immediate reaction was “Never mind. Things could be worse. No point focusing on a trifling pain.”
Yeah, right, that’s what I thought.
“Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!” I howled, clutching my nose as the now-ripped-out stud fell with a gentle tinkle into the bath. Blood filled the entire bathroom, and don’t dare accuse me of exaggerating or I may have to add you to my List. I leapt around in agony (knee-deep in blood) for a few moments, then realised that this was on the same level as having imaginary conversations in my head, as far as resolving problems goes. And so it was that I spent a large part of the morning disinfecting my nasal area and sticking a dart-like object through my nostril as blood ran down my fingers.
I returned to my bedroom, dressed, and discovered that the cat had peed on my bed.
“Aaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!” I howled once again.
“WHAT is going on?” yelled Sister.
“It PEED on my BED!!!” I screamed, almost beside myself with rage as I tore off the duvet cover and sheets.
“Miaow!” Kat had the cheek to say, requesting breakfast. I wheeled around and aimed my toe at her backside as she fled down the stairs. “Don’t you DARE START!” I yelled.
This is what happens, you see. This is what happens when you are determined to behave better. Parts of your body fall off and wild animals urinate in your sleeping quarters. “What’s the point in trying?” I asked myself darkly, as I shoved my bedding in the washing machine. I have also been sent an email informing me that payment has been taken off my card for something I didn’t actually buy, I am currently losing three games of Scrabulous, and now I’m late for work. Where I have to go and have conversations that will go absolutely nothing like the ones I had perfectly planned out in my head at 2.45am.
Have a good day.