I think the house is bugged

There was a huge bug on the kitchen floor last night.

Big, black, nasty, crawly thing wearing some sort of armour. I thought it might be a cockroach, but I’m not very well educated as far as bugs go, being as I tend to run away quite quickly when I see one, and therefore don’t spend an awful lot of time observing them. Anyway, this was the Biggest Bug I Have Ever Seen. I seem to have a (completely undeserved) reputation as someone who likes to exaggerate, so I felt compelled to fetch my camera and take a photo of the monster bug so that people would believe me when I told them that it was the size of a small rodent.

Unfortunately, the thing kept leaping about an inch into the air and buzzing loudly at me just as I was about to take the picture. As a result, I now have about six blurry shots of the walls and ceiling, taken accidentally as I squealed and leapt back in fright. Getting more and more jumpy each time, I decided to give up on the photograph and come up with some sort of escape plan before the monster bug leapt on to my throat and killed me by sinking its fangs into my jugular. Just as I was standing up, the monster bug took flight most unexpectedly. I had presumed it to be a crawly thing, not a flying crawly thing.

I screamed the place down, backing away and flapping my arms around. It was at this point that I discovered monster bug #2 in my hair. My screams became howls as I leapt about the kitchen, trying to extract said monster bug from where it was trapped and struggling in the Mad Hair, and simultaneously trying to avoid angry and murderous monster bug #1, which was buzzing loudly around my head.

Eventually I killed both of them, plus an accomplice that I found lurking in the doorway, and returned nervously to the living room. That’s when the buzzing started. The loudest buzzing I have ever heard. This bug was quite possibly the size of a very large rodent. I spent some time sneaking stealthily around the house with my Bug Gun, jumping and squealing at every noise, with the dog following me around and looking a little confused as to whether I was playing a new game or just losing my mind.

I had to go to bed in the end. Shaking out all the sheets first, of course, lest there be a monster bug crawling through them and waiting to devour me in my sleep. Closing the door to keep out the invasion. Whimpering quietly in the darkness.

And so as you can imagine it was utterly terrifying, this morning, to be awakened by buzzing so loud that it had to belong to a monster bug three times the size of the dog. Only after much fear and trembling under the sheets did I emerge, apply reasoning, and recognise the sound as that of a lawnmower. Sure enough, I peeped outside and saw (someone who looked remarkably like) Keanu Reeves mowing the lawn. Shirtless.

That’ll be my gardener, then. I feel safe with Keanu Reeves in the garden. I am confident that he will protect me from the monster bugs.

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12 thoughts on “I think the house is bugged

  1. Jo says:

    Speaking of Keanu Reeves, I thoroughly annoyed my boyfriend the other night during a screening of Die Hard 2…3? 4? Who knows. I insisted that the other main character (not Bruce) was actually Keanu Reeves, aka Neo from the Matrix (also a hacker). Every time this Not Keanu guy came on screen I’d shout “It’s ok! Neo will save you! Go Keanu”

    Wasn’t Keanu. Looked like him though.

  2. I’m freaky about bugs, too. My husband wrote a blog titled “the ninja bug assassin” about me and how awful I am about bugs. He usually has to kill them, though. I’m too chicken. I’ll put the link if you want to read it. At least you’re not alone. :)http://jlcampbellbooks.com/blog/275800/The_Ninja_Bug_Assassin

  3. The Parents says:

    POOR YOU! Wish I was there to give you a hug, but glad I’m at home with Kat , who just loves chasing bugs! You sure it wasn’t the dreaded parrot making the bug noises?

  4. Well, without those blurry pictures, I can’t help you identify the thing, but I see you’re in Ireland so that narrows it down a bit. It’s unlikely they were Ecuadorian Elephant beetles, for a start…

    Cockroaches don’t fly, as far as I know, so the most likely thing is stag beetles. Which are endangered and protected, so step away from the bug gun, Ma’am, and keep your hands where I can see them.

    LOL!

    PS – if you go to http://www.stagbeetlehelpline.co.uk you can see pictures and find out all about them. And yes, they do fly, even though they are, in fact, the size of a small rodent. Or you can Google ‘lucanus cervus’ and see if that’s it.

  5. The Sister says:

    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Big bugs!!!!!
    My advise is to run + hide…..somewhere they can’t get you…then tell hunky gardener to resolve situation asap and let you know when all is safe :)

  6. Jo – I’ll check with Keanu next time he comes to do the garden and let you know if he was in Die Hard Of Any Number. I suspect that he doesn’t speak English, though, so that would probably be a no, then.
    Vicky – You really don’t *seem* too chicken in that post! I’m a little afraid of you, to be honest. :) But relieved that people are standing up to the bugs of the world.
    Parents – You couldn’t post Kat over to me, could you? Or a mosquito net or something…
    Jay – Hang on, I’m in Ireland?! When did that happen? *worried* Actually I’m in Belgium right now. :) Have taken a look at the stag beetle thing and my giant evil scary bug remains unidentified. It was definitely rounder than that. Although… argh! I’ve got the creeps from looking at those pictures now!
    Sister – Indeed. *Very* big bugs. Hunky gardener no use, sadly, as they only appear at night (the bugs, I mean, not Keanu). I keep imagining them crawling all over me now. :(

  7. Perhaps they were cicadas? (Also called locusts sometimes – I guess that because of the buzzing sound…) Anyway, you were right to hide in the bed. At leas that’s what I woudl have done. :)

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