Buzzzzz! Zzzzzip! The downward spiral into insanity.

Zips, eh?

They were probably a wonderful, innovative idea when they first appeared to assist us in our efforts to join/close/seal things, but has anyone bothered to try and improve upon the original invention? It just seems so rudimentary, really. There’s bound to be an improvement just waiting to be made, most likely involving some kind of noise reducing device.

Spend a single night in a hostel, and you’ll grow to loathe and detest the apparently innocent and helpful zip. It is the single most frequently heard sound in this environment, closely followed by the high-pitched whine of the mosquito circling your body in search of a decent feeding point, and the inevitable retching of the latest youth to have consumed too much Heineken.

Zzzzzzip! goes the suitcase/backpack as the latest person to enter the dorm searches for her pyjamas.

Zzzzzzip! goes the sleeping bag as someone gets into bed.

Zzzzzzip! goes the sleeping bag as someone closes it around them.

Zzzzzzip! go the jacket and jeans as someone gets undressed.

Zzzzzzip! Zzzzzzip! Zzzzzzip! go the zips, all night long.

Something has to be done about it. Little silent slidey things like on ZipLock bags, maybe. Buttons. I don’t know. I’m not about to start campaigning for the abolishment of all zips, because I realise that they are important part of modern life, but I feel that there’s a definite opportunity for some improvement, if anyone cares to rise to the challenge.

And while I’m ranting, I must return to my now long-running pet hate: mosquitos. Why do they love/hate me with such a passion? How is it that I can be staying in a large hostel, two floors up, in a dorm where the nearest open window is at least a two minute walk and two staircases away, where there are no insects in sight, and yet when I’ve been lying in bed for approximately 10 minutes I hear the inevitable buzz around my head? It’s gotten to the stage where I’ve just given up on trying to defend myself. I don’t jump up and try to swat them away. What’s the point? They’ll just divebomb me in my sleep anyway. And so I lie there, weary and defenceless, letting them land on me and have a merry little feast on my blood. Every morning I wake up and perform my morbidly fascinated daily routine of examining my skin for new bites, and there they are: fresh evidence of the nightshift, in the form of new, pink, itchy lumps next to the scratched and bloody scars of previous onslaughts. Throughout the day they will itch and be scratched raw, finally reducing in size by bed time, when they will without fail be replaced with a new batch.

I do not know how many diseases they have infected me with to date, but I suspect that I am an epidemic waiting to happen. Eventually I will have no blood left in my poor, bitten body, and they will find me drained and lifeless on a hostel bed somewhere.

Zzzzzzip! the body bag will go. And all the mosquitos will be dead within a day, because no one else’s blood is good enough any more.

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9 thoughts on “Buzzzzz! Zzzzzip! The downward spiral into insanity.

  1. The Sister says:

    I did warn you before you went to get the necessary injections…so if the body bag does go zzzzip you only have yourself to blame :P

    Maybe a mosquito net would be a good investment…take it as a compliment that they like you so much…you must be tasty :)

  2. The mosquitos got me as a child. I was taking the anti malaria tablets, sleeping under a mosquito net and had my bedroom sprayed with fly spray before I went to bed. I still got mild malaria, which I’ll never forget. I was living in West Africa at the time though.

  3. bevchen says:

    I like the idea of the slidy thing like on a ziplock bag.

    Personally I find the sound of velcro much more annoying than zips.

  4. Becs says:

    Crikey The Sister is just a bundle of sympathy isnt she?
    Zips never bothered me in the hostel – though everyone else said I kept the dorm awake snoring. I dont snore tho!!!

  5. Shame man…great post though! What about cream – Tabbard or Peaceful Sleep where the brands in SA, ask at a pharmacy, just lotion up or spray your exposed bits before you go to bed, or citronella- apparently they don’t like that either…eat lots of garlic and dring gin and tonic…there, zzzzllleeeepppp tight…

  6. Sister – oh, thanks. I feel so much better about death now that I know it’s my own fault!
    d@\/e – erk! I will definitely be getting the appropriate injections and mosquito-proofing equipment if I ever venture into Africa. Actually, I think I might just avoid it altogether!
    bevchen – don’t get me started on Velcro!!!
    Becs – Ha! No, you don’t snore. You’ve *never* kept me awake with your snoring. :)
    Natalie – cheers, m’dear! AT least they’re providing me with nice ranty blog material. I’ve tried garlic, gin and tonic, and various sprays and lotions. Short of armour, I don’t know what else to do – and armour probably wouldn’t fit into my luggage.

  7. Maureen says:

    Sounds like a serious case of sleep deprevation! Good training should you find yourself with a newborn anytime in the future ;)

  8. I had heard that mozzies don’t like the taste of people who are full of Vit B complex, so I was going to say, eat lots of marmite! However, it seems there’s some disagreement and it can be the people with high concentrations of B vits in their blood who get bittien. .Interesting article here

    Mosquitos use super senses to choose victims

    Sadly, I’m like you. If there’s one mosquito in a hall full of people, it’ll find me and bite me. And the bites will swell. *Sigh*

  9. Maureen – Newborn? *panic panic panic* No way! I’ll admit it would make for great entertainment for my blog readers, but I can think of no other incentives, sadly!
    Jay – Maybe we should embrace the fact that we are clearly special and chosen…

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