My time in Tallinn has come abruptly to an end, only a few days after I returned.

I am sad. Despite the fact that this is my blog, and that it has always been a personal blog, since those initial days of moaning about PMS and singledom and loneliness, I have found myself making it less and less personal over the past year or so. This was out of consideration for someone else — not because I wanted to. And although I have never been the type to disclose all the juicy details and names and addresses, I have missed pouring out my innermost thoughts and emotions here. I hadn’t realised just how much of myself I’d been gradually cutting away and trying to hide.

That stops now. Anyone who doesn’t like that is under no obligation to keep reading, after all. This is my blog — a fact I seem to have forgotten. And so I can tell you, my readers, that I am sad and disappointed and deeply, painfully hurt right now. That will go. Been there, done that, know the drill. But right now, it’s crap. And if you’ve ever wondered what it might be like to end up heartbroken and melodramatic and alone in a foreign country, with all your hastily-packed bags (one of which is, erm, a large carrier bag) at your feet as you sit in the station and look cluelessly at the departures board, hoping for inspiration, well, this is going to be a good blog to keep reading!

Sort of adds to the adventure, I suppose. Everybody hurts sometimes, right? And better to be forced to think and plan and wonder where you’re going to sleep tonight than to lock yourself away for a month and drink vodka and sob. I s’pose.

I wanted to spend summer in Tallinn. I wanted to go to the Song Festival that I’d been looking forward to for a year. I wanted to explore more of this country I’ve grown to love. But I can’t, because it would be too painful now. So I’m on the first bus outta here, albeit with no real clue where I’m going or what I’m going to do.

Scared. Sad. Hurting. Angry. Confused. Worried.

But not done. Nope, not done yet.


19 thoughts on “Go

  1. Nelly says:

    Sorry to hear about this Hayley. We are thinking about you and hope, as Ganching says, that you’ll find a better place. Be brave and continue the adventure. Your readers need you!

  2. katyboo1 says:

    oh love,
    I’m sorry. That sounds utterly crap. if you find yourself on the bus to Glenfield do come and stay.

  3. Hails, sometimes the dream ends so that we are ready to enjoy a greater one. Hold your head high and go boldly on to new horizons. We are all traveling with you.

  4. Hannah says:

    Aw Hails, I hope your still smiling at the craziness of it all. I’m a firm believer in things happening for a reason. Embrace your next adventure! XX

  5. McBouncy says:

    You know I am with you every step. If I had been able to click my fingers and join you in that shopping mall today I would have been there in a heartbeat. As it was all I can do is include you in my prayers. The girl who left Ballymena a year ago was embarking on an adventure – that same girl embarked on a new adventure today. Chin up and move forward one step at a time. And, I for one am glad the blog is becoming more personal – I much prefered it that way. Go Hayley-Anne!!! Love you :-)

  6. Oh Hails, I’m so, so sorry. Big hugs.
    If you happen to find yourself in the Karlsruhe area you are more than welcome to come and stay. I have room now.

  7. timbu says:

    I just want to say I’ve been enjoying your writing, and I wish you strength to overcome the present situation… welcome back, whenever you feel liike it.

  8. Hails babes, so sorry to hear that. It’s hard to keep going when things look dark, but you never really know what will be around the next corner – keep moving, keep looking, keep experiencing and in a years time you could end up looking back and thinking this was the best thing that ever happened you….

  9. Thank you all so much for the lovely comments. Means a lot to me. Feeling very fragile, and it’s nice to know you’re all there. :) Thank you for helping me to feel less alone. xx

  10. Sorry Hails, late as usual. Awful news for you . . I can only assume it means a ‘fall out’ with someone you may have been staying with. I had a friend who went all the way to Canada to meet with a former travel companion hoping to rekindle a ‘relationship’ of sorts. He let her go all that way before telling her that he felt nothing for her . . .saddened her to the core. I’m not saying that’s what happened to you but she felt just as you do now.

  11. Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that! (And I feel bad for ignoring my Google Reader while I was on vacation!) Hope you’re doing better, and I’m sure you’ll find a way to make this an even better adventure!

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