Well, I’m pretty much overwhelmed.

Do you have any idea how many options there are out there for someone who has a very vague aim like “I want to live anywhere but in the UK, and travel around a lot”? I really need to come up with a more specific dream, you know, or else I’m going to sit here for many months clicking through endless websites and getting no closer to that Plan I was hoping for.

I could live on a farm somewhere, like the Happy Hippy complex in Bulgaria, growing organic vegetables and singing around a campfire with shirtless men with long hair and names like Storm. I could become an English teacher in a chic major city, going for cocktails with other young professionals every evening. I could keep on chasing housesitting assignments, and isolate myself for several months in a cottage in the middle of the French countryside, becoming a proper hermit writer. I could go backpacking again, and stay in hostels, visiting a new country every few days and travelling around by train whilst writing enough articles every day to pay for food and expenses. I could become a waitress on a Greek island. I could be a holiday rep in The Bahamas. The choices are endless, the sky’s my limit, yadda, yadda, yadda.

The unfortunate thing is that none of these options take into account the fact that what I actually want to do is go back to Tallinn and do all the things I’d planned to do with Riho. And that as fantastic as it no doubt is to have all these options, I can’t quite shake off The Sad to an extent where I could realistically go off and embark on all sorts of new adventures without feeling lonely.

Which is why it’s probably a good thing that I am completely skint, and therefore have no choice but to stay here and keep looking for ways to make money first, rather than heading off again any time soon. But seriously – what does a person do for entertainment in Ballymena? Especially a penniless person. When bored in Tallinn or some other “foreign” city, I could just get up and go outside and walk around. That was entertainment enough. If I do that here, I get (a) rained on, (b) accosted by no end of people from all areas of my life, to whom I do not want to have to explain that I have The Sad and no house and no car and no money and no job, and (c) vaguely depressed.

I guess it’s 24/7 job-hunting, then. Or going on the dole and spending it all on cigarettes and alcohol, but I can see how that might not help matters much. Positive thinking can only get you so far, and then reality has a nasty habit of laughing hysterically at you.

Sod it. I’m going to phone a friend. I don’t like any of the fifty-fifty options, and I think I’ve done too much asking of this patient audience!


4 thoughts on “Options

  1. MoNkEy MrS says:

    I’m always here in Ballymena and you don’t even need to explain anything. Don’t forget you have friendswho care about you!

  2. bevchen – it’s not exactly uplifting and fulfilling stuff!
    MonkeyMrs – I know. *hug* I will come see you just as soon as I can summon up the motivation to walk. Or afford petrol for my dad’s car!
    Grannymar – you will never be old, ma’am! :)

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