If…

If you think there’s nothing wrong when
a woman (crying) says “nothing’s wrong”,
If you feel obliged to mock a sexy male singer
though secretly you like his songs,
If you can spend the day with your games console
and truly believe it’s a day well spent,
If sitting on the toilet with a book for an hour
is, for you, a regular event,
If you can be completely unaware
of a pile of unwashed dishes in the sink,
If you prefer fruity alcopops to beer, but pretend you don’t
because your mates say they’re girly drinks,
If you leave the toilet seat up all the time
and manage to pee on it anyway,
If your kitchen contains no washing up liquid
and you’ve no concept of cleaning sprays,
If you enjoy farting contests with the lads
but would be disgusted if a girl did the same,
If you remember someone’s bra size
But haven’t a clue about her name,
If you see absolutely no problem
with not calling your girl for a week,
If you shout and swear at footballers on TV,
as if they can hear you speak,
If you have a beer belly, but think
size 12 plus women are too fat,
If you’re lost but won’t ask for directions
because you’re too self-sufficient for that,
If you think sex without foreplay
sounds like a lot more fun,
Then not only are you a man, my son,
but you’re a 20th century one!

This was written partly in fun, partly as a result of a conversation I’ve been having with a friend. He said something about someone who had “been a bit of a prat”, and then said “…but I suppose he’s just a typical man”. I disagreed, mainly because I’m not fond of stereotypes – but even if I could agree to the common “typical man” one illustrated in the poem, I don’t think it exists to such a great extent these days. The guy I was talking to, for example, is probably the opposite of just about all those things, and I know virtually no men who have superficial views about women, or a complete lack of hygiene, or no sense of romance. This stereotype may once have worked (at least, as far as any stereotype can), but it doesn’t seem to be true of the 21st century man, for the most part. And for that, let us all be glad!

If it is, by some chance, true of you, then I’m sorry for any offence caused. ;) But you should probably move with the times, my son…

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6 thoughts on “If…

  1. Stephen says:

    I think if any men do get offended you can assume you’ve just hit a nerve. :-D I’m glad to have been so inspiring. You can buy me a coffee soon as my payment for being an excellent muse… ;-) xx

  2. Noice . . .although no self respecting Australian would drink an alchopop, they ‘ve just taxed the bejeesus out of them so they buy the bottle and soft drink separately.

  3. Becs – YEAH I rock!! ;)
    Bevchen – glad you liked it!
    Stephen – I am thankful for the ones like you who prove that the stereotype doesn’t work. :)
    Baino – Better off making your own cocktails instead, I say…

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