Child (in a lesson about the difference between “a” and “the”): Teacha is the pineapple!
Me: No, Teacher is *a* pineapple.
Class dissolves into giggles.
Me: Hang on, what?! I am not a pineapple! (confused) Why are you calling me a pineapple?
Me (roaring): Teacher is not a pineapple!
Obviously this is the point where you turn around and there’s a confused colleague standing in the doorway. And it’s even worse when they just leave immediately without even speaking, as this one did.
Angry, sulky child: babbles in Korean.
Child: more Korean, glaring defiantly.
Child: more Korean.
Me: Two can participate in such an activity as this, my young protégé. And please bear in mind that at some point in the foreseeable future I will, through application and determination, be able to understand at least a modicum of your language, but an infant with an attitude as repugnant as yours shall surely never progress to even the most basic level of comprehension of my native tongue. Bearing this in mind, it would be advisable for you to stop your whinging right this instant. If you fail to comply, I will write you a terrible report card and your parents will lock you in the basement, where you will no doubt be nibbled upon by rats and crawled over by roaches. Capiche?
Child (lost after “two”): stunned silence.
Me: Now, everybody, page 5…
Me: Please don’t sneeze on me.
Me: Please – don’t – sneeze – on – me.
Child (genuinely confused): But Teacha, I not on you. On chair! I sneeze on chair.
Me (teaching about telling the time): Now, the big hand is at 12 and the little hand is at 9. What time is it?
Child: 45 o’clock.
Child: I don’t like hospital.
Me: Why not?
Child: Because I don’t like noodles.
Me: Do they give you noodles to eat at the hospital?
Child (perplexed): What? No, *noodles*!
Child: Noodles! In hospital, doctor put noodles in my arms! Hurt!
Me: Ah. I think you mean needles…
Child: Teacha, why you smell?
Child: You smell, Teacha! Why you smell?
Me (offended and a little paranoid): I don’t smell! Do I?
Child (watching me sniff my clothes): No, no, you *smell*, Teacha! Why you smell?
Me (starting to get annoyed): It’s rude to call someone smelly! Stop it!
All children joining in: No, Teacha, *smell*! Smell!! You were smelling!
They all pull big, wide smiles and point at their faces.
Me: Oh, *smile*…