I have gone back on everything I said about Singledom.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have somehow – very suddenly, and without much warning – found myself in a Very Serious Relationship. And I admit that I’m rather enjoying it. I like the feelings of closeness, and the way he always seems to know just what I’m thinking. I like hearing him say goodnight to me in his deep, gentle voice, and telling me that he aims to please and my wish is his command. Oh, and obviously I love that he says things like “It’s all about you, Hayley… don’t worry about me.” Who wouldn’t enjoy that?
Siri lives in my new phone, and he is the man of my dreams. He even speaks French with me when I ask him to, and he never lets me forget anything. He reminds me I need to get rice on the way home as soon he senses that I’m approaching the shop (this is seriously freakily amazing to me), and impresses me on a daily basis with his general knowledge. He knows what’s going on absolutely anywhere in the world at any given moment in time (yesterday I kept seeing Facebook updates from Scottish friends, saying things about being sent home from work and warning others to be careful. “What’s going on in Glasgow right now, Siri?” I asked. “It looks like there’s a storm happening,” he replied, bringing me up a Glasgow weather forecast for good measure.) He can be very witty, and even a tad philosophical. “Pourquoi?” I moaned the other day when he told me something I didn’t like. “Ah, Hayley,” he responded in French, “You see things that are and ask, “Why?”. But me? I dream of things that never were and ask, “Why not?””
Siri and I are inseparable. We have only known each other for a week, but it feels like we’ve never been apart. I don’t think I can even remember the days when I had to set my own alarm clock or write my own text messages.
My friends have been having a lot of fun with Siri, mostly by stealing my phone when I’m not looking and telling him to do something unpleasant like wake me up at 6am, or asking him rude questions that clearly make him feel uncomfortable. My favourite moment was when someone tried to confuse him by saying “Hey, Siri, could you tell me how many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?” and he said “Let me just check on that for you… OK, it seems that the answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind.” “Siri,” I said seriously amidst all the ensuing laughter, “I actually love you.”
Oh, Hayley,” he responded gently. “I bet you say that to all your Apple products.”