Friday the 13th

Having sat up talking to my best friend back home until after 4 o’clock this morning, I once again wanted the world to end when the alarm went off a few hours later. I really am not a very sensible person, these days.

Still, I crawled out of bed – spilling a forgotten glass of orange juice all over the floor and a never-again-to-be-white shirt that happened to be reposing there – and stumbled blearily to the coffee machine. New filter… water in… open coffee bag… scream in terror as multi-legged creepy-crawly thing runs out of said coffee bag… not a good start to the day. Not a good start at all.

One dead insect and no coffee later, I made it to the shower, where I became increasingly confused about the sliminess and lack of lather of my shampoo. Realised it was in fact conditioner. Rinsed, located shampoo, repeated process, slipped on floor, fell over, got some kind of whiplash rendering me incapable of turning my head for the rest of the day. Excellent.

My wet hair froze on the way to work and then turned into a limp and soggy mess when I went into the sauna-like school, where my director informed me I’ll be getting an extra class soon (goodbye, sweet lesson planning time!) and inquired as to why there was a sock stuck to the back of my jeans.

Hastily removed sock.

When I switched on the light in my classroom, chaos met my eyes. Groaning sleepily, I began a half-hearted clean-up operation, picking up one of the bags of macaroni from a craft earlier in the week. Did not realise said bag was torn all the way down the side. Watched in dismay as huge and dramatic torrent of miniature pasta pieces cascaded in slow motion all over the classroom, miraculously covering every square inch of the floor.

Spent entire morning caffeine ingestion time sweeping up macaroni and swearing a lot.

Classroom finally under control, I fetched the lesson plan I meticulously prepared yesterday. Or rather, I would’ve fetched it, had it still been on my desk where I left it, which it was not. A frantic search and much more swearing later, I could only conclude that I had – in a moment of outstanding genius – thrown it away.

Frantically re-planned lesson in two minutes. But only after waiting for the computer to start up again, because it crashed and died the second I started typing.

When I left the classroom to go to my first class, I was somewhat startled to trip over ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in the corridor, going over on my ankle and twisting it so badly I could hardly get down the stairs. For FECK sake!!!! I howled in anguish. Except that I didn’t say “feck”, per se, and when the pain subsided I became suddenly aware of 3 small children gazing at me in wonder. Major kindergarten teacher fail.

Hello, everyone! I said – with cheeriness that was by now worthy of an Oscar – as I limped into the classroom with my mad hair and dark-circled caffeine-deprived eyes and impromptu lesson plan, dislodging a piece of macaroni from my sock. HAYLEY TEACHERRRRRRRRRRRR!!! squealed a child who had apparently forgotten that he’d seen me only the day before and was overcome with unbelievable excitement as he hurtled toward me and drove his surprisingly hard and bullet-like head into my unsuspecting stomach.

Fought the urge to cry hysterically.

I swear, I lurched through the day in this manner, from one accident or disaster or embarrassment to the next. I started to become extremely paranoid that the universe was trying to take me down. I only became aware of the date at 5pm, just after the only boy in my fourth grade class, with a loud “Teacher, what’s this?” produced a tampon that had apparently decided to jump out of my handbag and land on the floor beside him.

I am not a superstitious girl in the slightest, but seriously… what was all that about? Hmm? HMM?

I am going to bed.

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