Fecking Mondays. I really, genuinely think I somehow offended the Universe over the weekend, you know. Today was nothing but a series of ridiculous and/or unfortunate events.
7am – left flat. Took rubbish bag with me to dump in outside bin on way. Arse fell out of rubbish bag halfway down the stairs.
7.06am – sexy, dishevelled, grey-haired-and-stubbly writer-type upstairs neighbour looked at me in surprise and undisguised derision as I met him with a load of manky rubbish in my arms while clutching an empty vodka bottle in one hand and a set of kindergarten colour flashcards in the other.
7.16am – dismally watched my bus whizz merrily past as I waited endlessly for the green man.
7.19am – realised green man was broken.
7.20am – Almost got flattened by a lorry. Tripped on a loose cobblestone.
7.32am – Got attacked by angry and frightened wasp which had become trapped on crowded bus.
7.45 – 7.55am – a pleasant 10 minutes spent drifting hopelessly up and down multiple flights of stairs searching for my classroom.
7.55am – found an English-speaking member of staff who informed me that the school I wanted was across the road.
8am-11am – successful morning with 25 pre-schoolers, with exception of 3 separate wasp invasions, which I dealt with in a (mostly) calm and mature adult fashion for sake of children. Am organised, energetic, enthusiastic and responsible teacher, hooray!
11.05am – soaked to skin, obviously had no umbrella, world evil and uncaring place. Broke into run.
11.06am – tripped over another loose cobblestone. World evil, uncaring, and increasingly painful place.
11.40am – back in town. Cheered self up (and dried off) by spending an hour in my most recent Favourite Place On The Planet, a vast bookshop with “Palace of Books” in huge letters over the entrance. Accidentally spent a tenth of my monthly wage on books for the third time in under 2 weeks.
12.40pm – had a triple espresso and an ice cream in place of lunch due to tiredness, pain, and general state of woe. Felt simultaneously sick and hungry for rest of day.
1.15pm – on bus to next school, with plenty of time to spare for finding said school on arrival at Unpronounceable Bus Stop. Joy short-lived as found self being repeatedly attacked by wasps. What is going on? Am suddenly the Pied Piper of wasps. Have decided to stop using fruity berry shower gel, which is annoying as recently took advantage of 3-for-2 special offer at Lidl.
1.20pm – confused as to why bus stop announcement thingy went directly from the stop before my stop to the stop after my stop. Where was my stop? Hopped despondently off bus at next stop and found self on a desolate roadside. Crossed road but obviously could not find stop for bus going in other direction.
1.35pm – on bus going back in direction I’d just come from, after wandering around like a little lost hobo randomly asking people if they spoke English. Wasp incidents on bus: 2.
1.45pm – 5 minutes late for class. Reached hurriedly into backpack for flashcards and lesson materials. Obviously, had left entire folder at previous school in distant area of city. 23 little faces looked expectantly at me. Began to sweat slightly.
1.59pm – small girl fell over and cut her chin during hastily improvised action activity. Tears, blood, general despair.
2.07pm – wasp entered classroom.
2.40pm – left school after winging it for an hour, drenched in sweat, accompanied by wasp.
2.45-3.30pm – made wearisome trek-bus-tram-bus journey back to first school for folder.
3.40pm – stood banging head against locked classroom door. Utterly despondent by this point.
4.15pm – finally left school with my folder, after a completely ridiculous set of events including miming keys and locks to an irritated caretaker, speaking on said caretaker’s phone in English to an unknown Czech person who spoke no English, and eventually having complicated four-way, two-language conversation involving myself, the caretaker, the unknown Czech person, and a Czech friend.
4.23pm – homeless man got on tram to escape rain. Chose to sit next to me despite presence of approximately 7,000 empty seats. Smell of stale booze, stale smoke, stale B.O., stale rat, and general staleness lingered for 3 stops after he got off. Feeling very sick now.
4.35pm Everyone who got on tram clearly thought overpowering odour of the unwashed was me. Tried to wear exaggerated expression of disgust but became distracted by wasp crawling on leg. Flicked it away several times, having run out of wasp-related patience.
4.36pm – stung by wasp.
4.38pm – entered new world of excruciating pain and blinding agony. Trying to look brave and remain disgusted at smell, but wasp pain became too overwhelming as arm turned red, white, and alarmingly lumpy. Lower lip status: trembling.
4.40pm – got text from work telling me I have to sub tomorrow afternoon at the exact time the man is meant to come to set up my wifi. Have been on a connection slower than dial-up for over 2 weeks now. Is like living in the Dark Ages, and I can’t download TV or watch YouTube. Now have to reschedule internet man for the third time. Unspeakable woe.
4.50pm – staggered on to metro clutching lumpy discoloured arm and blinking back tears of pain and general misery. Stressed-looking businesswoman immediately spilled coffee on my other arm. Could not even howl in pain by this point.
5.10pm – dropped front door key as tried to open door using horribly disfigured arms. Was extracting key from puddle of mud and trying to hold back bawling when was suddenly, unexpectedly, rescued by sexy upstairs neighbour, who apparently does not think less of me after all for skulking round the halls at 7 in the morning with a vodka bottle and armfuls of eggshells and onion skins. He removed my key from mud puddle, cleaned it on a tissue, gave it back to me, opened the door, and held it open for me, all while looking irresistible. Day was clearly turning around, hooray! He remarked upon the state of my arms (one swollen and lumpy, the other scalded and blotchy). “What happened to you? Are you OK?” Surprised at hearing English, asked how he knew I wasn’t Czech. He grinned (he also has a sexy grin in addition to the stubble, the tallness, and the dishevelled hair – I swear, all he needs is a pair of glasses, the ability to speak French, and a pen behind his ear in case overcome by the sudden urge to write poetry). “I heard you cursing in English when you fell down the stairs last week,” he said politely. Dang it. He looked amused, intrigued, and pitying all at once.
8.35pm – discovered a cricket in my room. Chirping. Chirping. Forever chirping. And being massive and scary.
9.53pm – have finally evicted angry and ginormous cricket, with much screaming, swearing, thumping, and sliding of Ikea catalogue pages under Tupperware boxes.
9.54pm – going to bed, because sod this.