I took that little saying very seriously.
I remember being quite anxious and despondent about turning 30, and then my 30th birthday ended up being fantastic – living it up in South Korea with an amazing bunch of friends.
Life took a bit of a twisty downward spiral a few years into my thirties, however. Undiagnosed depression led me to move from country to country, chasing the happiness I could no longer find in the things I used to love. I became isolated, withdrawn, unhealthy, overweight, and probably close to being a full-blown alcoholic. Then I came home, got help, and with medication and support was able to start climbing back up.
Of course, recovery is never as simple as that. It took several years of ups and downs, changed medication, CBT, and lifestyle changes for my mental health to settle down and me to start to remember who I was before it all went wrong. By that stage, I was approaching the end of my thirties, and I had this growing determination that I was going to enter my forties as I meant to go on. Not as a tired, unhealthy, obese, unfit, bored woman who felt frumpy and timid, but as ME! Young(ish), energetic, fit, healthy, vibrant, and confident. And so I set about making it happen.
I’ve been thinking about that over the past few days. I’ve just booked a holiday in France for the Easter break. I spent the weekend jumping in the waves with friends and swimming out into the depths of the lough while snow lay on the ground. We chatted about things we did last year – a Mud Run obstacle course, a marathon relay, cliff-jumping, a 10km race, hiking, paddle boarding, too many cold water swims to count – and things we want to try this year. Tonight I went to my beloved Rock Choir and came back with a huge smile on my face after singing my heart out and laughing with my newest friends. Tomorrow night I’ll be jamming with the ukulele group, while Thursday sees the return of my weekly art class. I’ve been teaching myself Spanish on Duolingo, and am taking up an old school friend on her offer to meet up and practice Spanish conversation over coffee. At work today, I gave a presentation to a group of potential new students and their teachers with next to no notice, and felt completely confident in myself and my role – a huge deal, when I think about how stressed and overwhelmed I was still feeling this time last year, after only a few months in the job. My diary is filling up with concerts, comedy gigs, trips.
And I just feel… alive. Properly, happily, confidently ALIVE. Which, after feeling numb for the better part of a decade, is an inexplicably glorious feeling. No longer do I sigh and say “I would love to do that”. I see something I want to do and I get out there and do it, and it feels so good to be living my life again.
Maybe, for me, it’s not so much a case of life beginning at 40, but of it getting started again.
Coffee Helps: The Decaf Years 
I used to read your blog when you were teaching in Korea as I was gearing up to move there. I loved reading about your time there and then you stopped blogging and I missed it. I’m so happy you’ve started writing again and I enjoy seeing the notification of a new post. You give me motivation in my life seeing all the things you find joy in and it’s wonderful!
Thank you so much for such a lovely comment and for being a long time reader! You reminded me I hadn’t written for a while so thanks for the nudge. It’s really hard to get back into the habit again after all these years!